I want to do too many things. That’s a summary of this post, so, if you’re in a rush you can stop reading there. One could also make the argument that I am currently doing too many things as well. Unironically stating that I work three jobs tends to get plenty of reactions and looks as if people are wondering how I’m still standing.
I have always been involved with an insane amount of things at once, that is simply the way I am. In High School, particularly towards the later years, I went to school, took time consuming and difficult AP classes, worked at camp, was an active volunteer in the Order of the Arrow (Scouting’s National Honor Society), worked at McDonald’s, was in Marching Band, was in our school’s top concert band, took trumpet lessons, played the drums for my church youth group’s band, attended church, attended and volunteered for our church youth group, and somehow maintained an active social life. Now, of course, some of these things didn’t necessarily occur at the same time, like summer camp and school. But, I would do insane things like go and work a shift at McDonald’s on my 24 hours off from camp sessions. Thinking back on this list, I get a little dizzy and wonder how I survived. But truly, that was how I survived, because in many ways I kept myself busy to run from myself and my own thoughts.
Insane schedules continued throughout college as I regularly took an overload of classes, played in all of my school’s ensembles (Wind Symphony, Jazz Band, Pep Band, Orchestra, Brass Quintet, etc.— not even to mention the amount of chamber work I got asked to do), took trumpet lessons, regularly solo performed, played drums at my church, actively volunteered at and attended my church, worked as an RA, and, still, somehow managed to maintain an active social life.
Having survived those schedules, during my last year of graduate school I ended up taking full-time graduate classes, working as a full-time employee of the BSA, working as the Camp Director, completing my Advanced Year Internship at the school, regularly played drums with a few church bands, extremely occasionally would moonlight as a professional trumpet player, and, still, somehow (allegedly) maintained an active social life.
I currently juggle a lot of different commitments both professionally, personally, and as a volunteer. But in comparison to what I did in the past, it really fits the norm rather than stand out. I, at least partially, recognize the toll this kind of schedule can take on my life— it is certainly a reason every romantic relationship I’ve ever been in has suffered. Truth be told, I’m not sure who I am a part from all of these things. Again, I run.
At the moment, I am a full-time school social worker at a junior high, a part-time therapist at a group practice, still the Camp Director, the head volunteer adult in charge of our local council’s Order of the Arrow lodge, bought and flipped a hoarder house, volunteer at the youth group my brother runs, still play drums with a few church bands, still occasionally moonlight as a professional musician, and still, against all odds, maintain an active social life.
However, I never intended to be the kind of person whose sole identity is in being busy or thinks that by having a color coded Google Calendar I am the pinnacle of busyness as equivalent to Godliness, worth, or value. I really hope I do not come off that way, as I really don’t do all of these things just for the sake of being busy. I could (and perhaps will) write several blog posts about each of the things that I do and why they are meaningful and valuable to me in their own ways. More than being of value to me, I hope they also bring value and meaning to others as well. As always, I want to do too many things, so whenever a new opportunity or need presents itself I find myself thinking, “Mamma Mia! Here I go again!” as I work to figure out how I can possibly work it in.
I went to see Mamma Mia! in Chicago a couple weeks ago, which was truly an incredible experience. 10/10. No notes… Any time I see a great show or a great concert, my brain does the same mental gymnastics that would perhaps earn me a gold medal:
Wow! What a beautiful show, what a beautiful voice. Can I sing like that? HOLY shit that synth/drum into was BUMPER. I am definitely listening to this soundtrack and playing this song on the drums later tonight. I wonder if that background singer has a boyfriend? I should call h… Hold up! Why am I not up there? You’re so right, I am going to quit my job, take dance classes, and move to New York to wait tables until I make it to Broadway. Okay, maybe not wait tables, I guess I do have commitments here. Maybe I’ll just look up community theater near me and give it a go— I can do that! What that singer/drummer/trumpet player/whatever just did, I can do that! But can I? I mean, really, if I could do that wouldn’t I be the one out there doing that instead of here doing *not* that? I got a whole-ass music degree, but what was it even for?… And on and on and on. It’s exhausting.
I’ve already talked about in other posts how I want to do much more with music than I am right now. In the insanity of my schedule and day to day happenings, my commitments to professional music have taken the back burner. I play a few paying trumpet/drum gigs a year, and I play drums for fun and as a church drummer for my brother a lot but that’s about it.
There’s a lot of reasons for why it’s taken the back burner, many already mentioned in previous blog posts and some that maybe I’ll right about in the future. Perhaps it’s because I put all of my eggs in the basket of a band that ended up screwing me over right out of college. Perhaps it’s because COVID killed the freelance music industry right around the time I graduated. Perhaps it’s because my university’s music department used me for their own benefit instead of actually setting me up for success. Perhaps it’s because I don’t actually have the raw skills needed to do what I want to do. Raw skills be damned, I certainly don’t have the connections needed. Unfortunately, professional music is so much about who you know and, moreover, being in the right place at the right time. At present, I definitely don’t know enough of the right kind of people, and I am certainly never in the right place at the right time because all of the time I am in several other places attending to my aforementioned professional, personal, and volunteer commitments. Some of my friends (yes, you!) insist that I can walk on the stage right now and play like I want to, and, honestly I wish I could— but it is not that simple. Even if my skills were perfectly up to snuff, I do not have the time nor the connections.
But what if I could find my way?
What would that take?
I know deep down that to go that route would be to give up on some of these other commitments, but it’s not as easy as that sounds. That’s the caveat, I still want to do too many things and I even have great reasons for doing many of them. I fear what it would be like to leave many of them behind. I fear failure. I fear the unknown and I fear giving up that which I do know.
Would it be worth it? I ask myself, not knowing the answer.
[title pending] 